The Murder of James T. Kirk

"I remember appreciating Star Trek, but not getting it." – JJ. Abrams (Duh.)

I have been a Star Trek fan since I was a kid. I've gone to the conventions. I did cosplay before it was cool. I've seen every Star Trek series over and over again. I built the models and bought the toys (yes, as an adult). I've owned the original series and movies on VHS, LaserDisk, DVD and BluRay. I've read the comics and mountains of books and even watched the fan films. So when I say JJ Abram's reimagining of the original series (TOS) is daffier than Dr. Simon van Gelder in episode 109 "Dagger of the Mind," I'm pretty sure I know what I'm talking about.

I can't tell if I should get my pores cleaned or a pint of lager.

Keep in mind, I'm not just an old-school Trekkie crackpot (mostly, but not exclusively). I like the new cast. I can get past the new Enterprise; despite a bridge that looks like an Aveda Salon and an engine room that looks like a brewery (because it is), and I actually think rebooting the original series in an alternate timeline was a good idea. So then, why do these movies leave me cold? Easy. They are NOT Star Trek. They're lazy, poorly written action movies wearing Star Trek uniforms.

Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with people enjoying these films. I get it. They're whiz-bang exciting. But to call them Star Trek (let alone good Star Trek) displays a blatant disregard for what makes Star Trek Star Trek. But, what's there to "get" about Star Trek? It's just a bunch of guys in pajamas, pointy ears and bad wigs flying around the galaxy, kissing green women and punching lizards in the face, right? Sure. Just like Star Wars is about a kid in a karate outfit who flies through space with a cowboy and a beeping garbage pail having sword fights even though they have guns. Neither of those descriptions are wrong. But neither is really right.

Star Trek is many things. It's an examination of the human condition and our place in the universe. It's a mirror of today's society and our striving for equality, fairness, and justice. It's a character-driven adventure about disparate individuals working together to beat insurmountable odds. You can remove one or more of those elements, but if you ignore them all you risk losing what makes Star Trek Star Trek. And the heartbeat of Star Trek (sorry Spock fans) is the character of Captain James T. Kirk.

Kirk is the crux of what JJ got wrong about Star Trek. He reshaped Kirk for today's 13-year-old movie-going audience. But instead of keeping Kirk a character that a young person should want to aspire to be, he actually turned him into a 13-year-old (and a cliché one at that). His Kirk is lazy, petulant, a quitter, self-absorbed, emotionally unstable, horny and aggressive. You may think this is what the original Captain Kirk was like. But you'd be wrong. Don't believe me? Read this fascinating essay by Erin Horáková. It goes into great detail to illustrate that "Kirk, as perceived through mass culture memory has little or no basis in Shatner's performance and the original television show as aired. Macho, brash Kirk is a mass hallucination."

"If we can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes
will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate!" 

It appears that many people (including JJ Abrams) think the over-the-top parody of Kirk (like Futurama's Zap Brannigan) really is Captain Kirk. More disturbing, is that many think that this revisionist persona of Kirk as a vain, womanizing bully is what makes him worthy of being a hero.

But, not content to turn Kirk into Zap Brannigan, JJ also gave his new Spock virtually the same characteristics and backstory. In the original series, Kirk and Spock are different but complimentary characters. Kirk is passionate. Spock is coldly logical. Kirk revels in his humanity. Spock represses his. Kirk is a respected leader. Spock is out of place on his home planet and the starship. But there's no room for two different characters in JJ's universe. Instead, we're given two people with virtually identical backstories, personality traits, and character arcs. The only real differences seem to be the shape of their ears and that Spock earned his place on the Enterprise while Kirk becomes a captain by virtue of white privilege.



Yeah, I said it; white privilege. Spock, the first Vulcan to enlist in Starfleet (clearly a minority) rises to the rank of Lieutenant and first officer of the starship Enterprise. Meanwhile, Kirk is "gifted" an admission to Starfleet by Captain Pike (an admirer of Kirk's dead father). Presumably, Kirk does well enough in Starfleet to finish in 3 years instead of 4. But then he cheats on his final exam so he's put on disciplinary suspension and is left behind while the graduates are assigned to their starships. Then McCoy (with nothing better to do) feels sorry for Kirk and sneaks him aboard the Enterprise. For what purpose? Doesn't matter. Then cadet Kirk is made the first officer by Captain Pike even though there are actual real-life officers right there (sorry, Lieutenant Sulu). You see, Pike believes this cadet is destined to be a great leader despite the fact that he's displayed no interest, temperament or skill that would earn such faith. However, Pike read about a heroic thing Kirk's father did 25 years ago, so that makes Kirk great too (I guess).

But, I digress. It makes sense in some stories to have the antagonist and protagonist be mirror images of one another (Luke and Vader, Superman and Zod, Harry Potter and Voldemort), but by making our two protagonists mirror images, JJ has rendered one of them (Spock) virtually irrelevant to the story. I say virtually because he does act as an obstacle for Kirk to overcome. But really nothing more.

And like a lazy writer, JJ assumes that our past relationship with the original characters will translate to a fondness for these new ones. But that's an assumption based on a history he literally destroyed. This new Kirk is a petulant, entitled jerk. Spock's not much better. They see nothing to admire or respect in one another. And frankly, I agree with them. So, once again JJ has to play the "destiny" card. He drags Leonard Nimoy out of retirement so that the aged Spock can tell young Jim Kirk that he and young Spock will be best buddies and that he must wrestle control of the Enterprise away from him. Okay, but why?

Unless old Spock has abandoned all logic, he should know that the young Kirk he's facing is not the same Kirk from his timeline and therefore destined for nothing. He'd have figured that out if only he'd mind-melded with him. Oh yeah, he does. Then he should know that there's no logical reason to believe this Kirk is fit to be a good captain or a worthy friend to the younger Spock. Apparently, JJ couldn't even let Leonard's Spock be true to his own character.

But at least Kirk and Spock got characters. Poor McCoy is reduced to a grumbling pessimist with nothing to offer but whiny predictions of doom. In the original Star Trek, Dr. McCoy was an important part of the triumvirate. Like the Scarecrow, Lion and Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz, Spock, Kirk, and McCoy represented intellect, courage, and heart. These three elements frequently approach challenges from different perspectives but ultimately it's their combined power that brings understanding and success. McCoy was also the present-day man that served as our surrogate in the future. He reacted much as many of us would have if thrust into a universe of strange creatures, planets, and powers. When he argued with Kirk or Spock, it was with a contemporary voice of "old-fashioned" tradition, fear, and distrust.  Now, other than being a device to get Kirk onboard the Enterprise, McCoy serves no purpose.

There were also other people in the movie.



Uhura, Scotty, Sulu, and Chekov were always supporting characters, so I'm not upset that they never felt more fleshed out than their original series counterparts. What does bother me is that other than Uhura, these new officers are all pretty terrible at their jobs. In one way or another, we're told that they're all geniuses of one sort or another. But Sulu is introduced by forgetting how to fly a starship. Scotty is introduced as a disgraced loser that keeps a little person as a pet. Chekov is always screaming "I kin do zat!" as he runs around in a blind panic. In this universe, not demonstrating any professionalism or skill at your post doesn't seem to be a barrier to serving on (or being made the captain of) a starship. This is Starfleet's best? Heaven help us.

And speaking of lazy writing, let's get to the first movie's "story."

With the introduction of an alternate timeline, JJ had a whole universe of possibilities to explore. Instead, he decided to tell a basic revenge story. He'll rehash it again in Into Darkness and then once more in Star Trek: Beyond. The reasons for the villains' desire for revenge never really make much sense - but I guess most people don't care as long as there are enough explosions (and JJ does blow stuff up good).

So, the story opens in the original timeline, on the day of James T. Kirk's birth. A strange Romulan ship from the future kills Kirk's father and sets a new timeline in motion that rewrites Star Trek history as we know it (but only when convenient). When we next see Jim, he's a delinquent 12-year-old driving his step father's car off a cliff for reasons never explained. Because he's a dick was the only reason I could come up with. Some claim it's a metaphor for JJ driving the old Star Trek franchise off the cliff. Which would be fine, if he were making something better in its place. The next time we see Kirk he's a Starfleet Academy dropout and drunk who starts fights in bars for reasons never explained. Dick again? Then Captain Pike shows up and tells Kirk (a punk he's never met) that he should return to the academy because he thinks he might be "meant for something special." Not special like the hard working cadets who invest their intelligence, time, and energy in the service of their planet and galaxy. No, Pike says that Kirk is like his father and "leaps without looking." In his mind, that's a positive trait that Starfleet has lost. So apparently intelligence, experience, and temperament have made us a bunch of weenies in the future and what we need in space are more macho shitheads who punch first and ask questions later (thanks, America). So it's either a story of destiny or redemption. I'm not really sure. But then, neither was JJ, I think.

So Pike pulls a few strings and gets Kirk to the academy. We're told he has a genius IQ, so he gets through the academy in three years instead of four. We have to take their word for it because the only academic activity we witness is Kirk chasing skirt and generally acting too cool for school. Then he cheats on his final exam, gets suspended and makes an enemy of Lt. Spock (an instructor at the academy). Then, for no good reason, he's suddenly acting first officer of the Enterprise. Predictably, he butts heads with Spock (the acting captain) who has him thrown off the ship. Probably not regulation, but since when did Spock follow regulations. Oh yeah, since ALWAYS.

One BIG coincidence later, and Kirk comes face-to-face with old (original) Spock on the planet where they were both marooned. Spock mind melds with Kirk and tells him how he arrived in the past and how the timeline he knew has changed.

Through Spock's mind meld we learn that 25 years ago, the planet Romulus (no mention of its sister planet Remus) was about to be destroyed by a star going supernova. When he hears about it on Vulcan, old Spock promises to stop the explosion by throwing a tiny drop of "red matter" into the star to create a black hole which will absorb the star and save the planet. Okay, that's great! Except...science.

See, if it's the star in Romulus' system that's going supernova, sucking it into a black hole would send Romulus and the rest of the system planets spinning off to freeze and die in space. As a rescue plan, it's pretty stupid. Now, if it's a nearby star (say even just 2 light years away) that would mean they'd have at least 2 years to evacuate everyone before the blast hits the planet. I assume somebody brought this up in the story meeting. But JJ probably said, "Nyah, just add more lens flare and no one will notice." I noticed JJ, I noticed.

Anyway, Spock's ship arrives too late and Romulus is destroyed. But even though his plan failed and he was too late to save the planet, Spock still ejects the red matter into the exploding star creating a black hole. Why? Lens flare!

Meanwhile, on a nearby Romulan mining vessel, Captain Nero blames Spock for the sun going supernova killing everyone on the planet – including his pregnant wife. Now, it's PERSONAL! But Nero's ship was pretty close to Romulus. So why didn't Nero just save her himself? Lens flare!

Spock only needed one teeny drop to accomplish his mission.

Anyway, the black hole created by Spock pulls Nero and Spock 129 years into the past. Back in the past, the Romulan mining vessel runs into the U.S.S. Kelvin, which it handily destroys in about 2 minutes. Why a mining vessel is more heavily armed than any ship we've ever seen defies explanation (so none is offered). George Kirk (Jim's father) sacrifices himself to save the crew – including his wife and newborn son as they escape in a shuttle.
But original timeline Spock hasn't emerged from the wormhole yet, so Nero takes his incredibly powerful ship (capable of destroying 47 Klingon Warbirds) and spends the next 25 years going from system to system destroying the federation starting with Vulcan where Spock will be killed while still an infant. Oh, wait. No, he doesn't. Instead, he heads to Romulus and starts evacuating his people to a new planet where they'll all be safe from the supernova. Oops, he doesn't do that either. Nope. He just hides quietly (for 25 years!) and waits for baby Jim Kirk to grow up, almost graduate the academy, and find himself on a starship just in time to stop his vengeful plan. It's what I like to call, "Bad Decision Theater."

Old Spock finally arrives in the past (or is it the present?) and is easily captured by Nero. Since Spock is carrying enough red matter to destroy thousands of worlds and doesn't want it to fall into enemy hands he sets his ship to self-destruct – destroying Nero's ship and closing the wormhole forever. Oh, no he doesn't. He surrenders and lets himself get marooned on a planet close enough to watch Nero destroy the planet Vulcan. More good thinking.

So now all Nero has to do is to shoot one teeny drop of red matter at Vulcan (or its sun) and it'll get sucked into a black hole. But I guess he wasn't paying attention when Spock did it, so instead he uses his mining machine to slooooowly bore a hole to Vulcan's core so he can inject the red matter in the very center. Sure, it'll take a lot longer to do that, giving thousands of Vulcans a chance to escape and for the Enterprise crew time to try and stop him... oh I get it...lens flare!

Anyway...at old Spock's insistence, Kirk tricks new Spock into letting him have control of the Enterprise. Now, with that dumb Vulcan put in his place, Kirk can finally save our galaxy from the mean Romulan. Which he does by igniting enough red matter to destroy thousands or millions of suns. Fortunately, science has no place in this science fiction story, so all that red matter only makes a wormhole big enough to envelop the bad guys allowing our hero to escape. Hooray, I guess.

Look, I get the idea that sometimes you've got to shake up a franchise to help it appeal to modern audiences. Batman, Planet of the Apes, The Mummy, even The Brady Bunch prove that you can reinvent the source material to appeal to a modern audience. But the writer must first understand the source material. JJ admitted he was never a fan of Star Trek and it shows. The original Captain Kirk, as portrayed by William Shatner, is a character I still admire. His intelligence, wisdom, bravery, and loyalty to his mission, ship, crew, and friends is worthy of admiration, respect, and emulations. Making him a jerk who gains his place as captain through privilege and trickery instead of hard work and dedication doesn't make him a better character. It makes him lazy.

As lazy as the writers who re-created him.

Holmes Alone

Sherlocks: Rathbone, Brett, Rowe and Basil

I blame my mother. She's the one who got me hooked on Sherlock Holmes. Not that I mind. It all started when we watched 1939's Basil Rathbone movie series on "The Late Late Show." Now I have to watch (and inevitably enjoy) just about every incarnation of the super sleuth that comes along. And while Sherlock is constantly updated to fit the times, he has somehow managed to stay Sherlock Holmes.

Not surprisingly, after decades old black & white movies on late night TV, the public yearned for a fresher take on the iconic character. In the 1980s, PBS brought us a darker version with Jeremy Brett's "Adventures of Sherlock Holmes." While Stephen Spielberg introduced a teenaged version in "Young Sherlock Holmes." Even Disney got into the game with "The Great Mouse Detective" (though technically, he was Basil of Baker Street).

And though Sherlock has never really been off the air, he and his stalwart partner, Dr. Watson continue to grow in popularity. We probably have Robert Downey Jr.'s 2009 and 2011 films to thank for this. Though the movies recast Sherlock as a modern-style action hero (and strayed greatly from the source material), they still proved that Sherlock still has an audience.

Lucy Lu and Jonny Lee Miller

CBS's "Elementary" is coming up on its fourth season and is one of my favorite shows currently on TV. When it first premiered, I was excited about Jonny Lee Miller (ABC's excellent Eli Stone) as the daring detective, but felt skeptical about their choosing Lucy Lu as a female Dr. Watson. Nothing against Ms. Lu, I just thought it smacked of unnecessary "modernism." I was also a little concerned that they were foregoing any of the original stories to create all new mysteries for him to solve. What they did create is, in essence, another CBS procedural drama (e.g. CSI: Fill-in-the-Blank), but the writing and acting are much, much better. The mysteries are challenging and original. And the relationship between Holmes and Watson is honest, complicated, compelling and - thank goodness - without a hint of sexual tension. They're both smart and capable but each with their own approach and techniques to solving a mystery. And it's great to see Aiden Quinn in the plum role of Captain Gregson.

Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman

As great as "Elementary" is, there aren't many shows I look forward to as much as BBC's "Sherlock." Shown in the U.S. on PBS' Masterpiece Mystery, each episode is really a movie-length adaptations of a classic Sir Arthur Conan Doyle story. The series also features the UK's most in-demand actors, Benedict Cumberbatch (Star Trek: Into Darkness) and Martin Freeman (The Hobbit). Set in modern London, this series (also heading to its fourth season) also strays from the source material, but remains true to its heart. For instance, in "The Hound of the Baskervilles" the reason why the hounds are created and how they manifest depart greatly from the original story. But how the events test Sherlock's bravery is still intact. We also get to see how the mind of the detective works thanks to whiz-bang television techniques. But the biggest departure from Doyle's creation is that these are more character-driven stories. Watson in particular has been fleshed out with a more critical back story and his caustic and caring connection to Holmes is explored in humorous and touching ways. The villains in this version are particularly dark, daring and ruthless. This Moriarity is more than a match for Sherlock and toys with him (as he does with the world) for sheer amusement.

Finally, I couldn't be more excited than I am for "Mr. Holmes" starring Ian McKellen (X-Men, Lord of the Rings) coming to theaters July 2015. This time, we're treated to a retired Sherlock Holmes grappling with an unsolved case - and facing a failing memory. From the trailers I've seen, this will be a more human and fallible Holmes than we've ever seen. And Sir Ian's performance looks both exciting and touching.

Now, I'm left wondering just how many more versions of Sherlock Holmes the public will be willing to accept? It's a mystery to me. And one I'm more than willing to watch... as long as Sherlock Holmes is on the case.

Disney Mines the Past for Inspiration

Disney has had a long and (mostly) successful track record creating theme park attractions from successful movies (Star Tours and Indiana Jones), movies inspired by park attractions (Pirates of the Caribbean and Haunted Mansion) and putting a new spin on previous successes (Alice in Wonderland and The Parent Trap). This season is no different, with Disney dusting off three cherished chestnuts to appeal to a new generation.

Mickey is joined by Minnie and their pals in the new series.

Mickey Mouse
Absent from animated shorts since 1995's little seen Runaway Brain, Mickey Mouse is making a long-overdue return to series television. The series, simply titled Mickey Mouse, draws inspiration from animation styles from the 1930s and co-stars Minnie, Donald and a host classic pals. To keep the series feeling fresh and modern, Disney has tapped Paul Rudish, the quick-witted mind behind Dexter's Laboratory and Powerpuff Girls to produce and direct. Yay! In what I hope is the first season of a continuing series, Mickey travels around the world, finding action and adventure at every stop. The first of 19 new shorts premiers on The Disney Channel June 28, 8:30p/7:30c. Watch a preview here.

Bikers and surfers battle for the beach–with dance–of course.

Teen Beach Movie
Though the teen beach movies of the 1960s starred Disney icon, Annette Funicello, they weren't actually Disney movies. But when you consider the success of Disney's High School Musical franchise, the genre seems ripe for the picking. The Disney Channel Original Movie is directed by Jeffrey Hornaday, who's choreography credits include the movies, Flashdance, A Chorus Line and Michael Jackson's Captain EO. The soundtrack features ten original songs in the styles of surf rock, rockabilly and pop. Teen Beach Movie premiers Friday, July 19 8p/7c on The Disney Channel. You can view the trailer here.

Thunder Mountain's Rainbow Ridge is getting a facelift.

Big Thunder
ABC television has okayed production on a pilot for a new TV series based on the 1979 theme park attraction, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Though details are still scarce, the show's logline says "When a brilliant, late 19th century New York doctor and his family are given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to relocate to a frontier mining town run by a powerful, but mysterious tycoon, they quickly realize that not everything in Big Thunder is as it seems." If all goes as planned, the series will premier this fall  - right around the time that Big Thunder Mountain Railway attraction re-opens after a lengthy refurbishment. Helmed by Fast and Furious writer and executive producer, Chris Morgan, this could very well be "the wildest ride in the wilderness!"

Stay tuned... we still have a live action adaptations of Disney's Cinderella and Maleficent (based on the villain from Sleeping Beauty) as well as a motion picture adaption of Disney's Jungle Cruise attraction to look forward to in 2014.

Fall TV Preview: My 5 (plus 1) Most Promising Picks

I've never been a big fan of Autumn. But this gray, drizzly season has one saving grace: the new fall TV schedule. And this year is no different. I'm most looking forward to seeing my favorite shows return - New Girl, Raising Hope, Bob's Burgers, The Middle, Big Bang Theory, Modern Family, 30 Rock, Parks and Rec, Community, Grimm, and Happy Endings to name a few (I have a lot of favorites). And this year, there are a few new shows that might - just might - get added to that list. Now, I'm not predicting these shows will earn big ratings, or that they'll even last more than a few episodes before getting the ax. They just look like the most fun of the fall premiers.

#1: The Mindy Project - Tuesdays, 9:30/8:30c, FOX
The Office's Mindy Kaling executive produces, writes and stars in this year's most promising new comedy. As an alumn of The Office, Mindy brings the perfect blend of awkward moments, desperate yearnings and ridiculous situations but she grounds it in a world many of us recognize (fleeting youth and missed opportunities). FOX has wisely scheduled the show to follow New Girl for an hour of girl-powered comedy. Premieres Sept. 25

#2: Arrow - Debuts October 10, 8/9c, CW
The preview for this show looks better than half the superhero movies that come out on the big screen, but since the CW has yet to put it on their regular fall schedule, I'm left questioning their confidence in the series. Of course, if this show is as good as its preview promises, it will earn the distinction of being the first CW series that I watch with any regularity.

#3: The New Normal - Tuesdays, 10/9c, NBC
Glee creator Ryan Murphy has put together a stellar cast in what could be the most touching comedy this fall. Andrew Rannells (The Book of Mormon), Justin Bartha (The Hangover) are a young gay couple looking to start a family, but the conflicts (thankfully) are born from the usual challenges of personality and family dynamics - not their sexuality. It also stars the surprisingly caustic and funny NeNe Leakes (Real Housewives of Atlanta) and the always welcome Ellen Barkin. Premieres Sept. 10

#4: Partners - Mondays, 8:30/7:30c, CBS
There aren't many CBS comedy's that I like, but this one comes from Will and Grace creators David Kohan and Max Mutchnick. It stars Michael Urie (Ugly Betty, David Krumholtz (Numbers) as best friends (one gay and one straight) and the challenges they face when they both find romantic partners. I won't lie, seeing "Superman" Brandon Routh in a gay role (as Michael's boyfriend), doesn't hurt either. Premieres Sept. 24.

#5: Animal Practice - Wednesdays, 8/9c, NBC
I'm not completely sold on this comedy...yet. It has a truly silly premise and the leads come off as a little dull. But, it has a high-fiving monkey so, I'm in. Premieres Sept. 26

+1: Elementary - Thursdays, 10/9c, CBS
I always get nervous when anyone tries to modernize Sherlock Holmes. And no one - I mean no one - is going to do it better than BBC's outstanding Sherlock (from Masterpiece Mystery). Anyway, this CBS procedural (again?) has little in common with the Arthur Conan Doyle mysteries beyond the names of the main characters. Still, the early buzz is positive and it has a strong preview, so I'll give it a few episodes at least. Another plus, it stars Jonny Lee Miller, who was outstanding in the short-lived (but wonderful) Eli Stone. Premieres Sept. 27

"Hollywood Treasure" is My Kind of Treasure

Would you (if you could) pay $2 million for Dorothy's ruby slippers? I don't mean any pair. I mean the pair worn by Judy Garland for the close up shot when Dorothy clicked her heals together three times. What if you owned the Panaflex camera that filmed Star Wars - would you sell it? These are the questions that are asked - and answered - on Hollywood Treasure - a show that is right up my alley.

This series, now in its second season on Syfy, follows Joe Maddalena, owner of Profiles in History, a Hollywood auction house and HUGE movie buff as he and his team crisscross the country in search of new and rare pieces of movie memorabilia.

Their finds are truly remarkable. On a recent episode, they found a one-of-a-kind Yoda rehearsal puppet from the original Star Wars auctioned and sold it at auction for over $22,000. In the same episode they found and curated the (self-driving!) original Bumblebee Camero from the first Transformers movie, Katniss' Mockingjay pin from The Hunger Games and a ccreen-used puzzle box from the Hellraiser movies.

Much of the excitement is seeing the team negotiate for the items and then seeing how much they go for at auction. But the real joy (for me) is to simply see these incredibly rare items and knowing that they are stored and cared for by true movie buffs.

Occasionally, Joe has collectors and even stars share items from their collection. His friend, Sean Astin brought by Samwise Gamgee's knapsack (complete with jangling pots and pans) from The Lord of the Rings trilogy and the helmet he wore in the movie Rudy. Sean's helmet had been sitting in his garage for 20 years and was showing signs of damage. As a favor, Joe restored the helmet and prepared a presentation case for it so Sean could enjoy it for many more years.

One couple Joe visited has the most amazing private Sci-Fi and fantasy movie memorabilia collection (outside of Paul Allen) that I've seen. They owned literally hundreds of items including Christopher Reeve's original Superman costume, Picards captain's chair from Star Trek: The Next Generation, Gene Wilder's signature "Willy Wonka" costume, Cylon warrior and Viper flight costumes from the original Battlestar Gallactica. The couple hired Joe to place all the items into auction. It's a collection worth millions and it's all for sale.

So, want to get in on the action, er, auction? This incredible collection goes up for auction in July. You can learn about the upcoming auction here and even sign up to bid online!

As fun as it would be to own even a small piece of some of these beloved films, I'll have to be content seeing them on TV. And thanks to Hollywood Treasure, that is now possible.

New episodes air Tuesdays, 10/9c on Syfy.

Networks Find Magic in Fantasy Genre

In books, the fantasy genre is one that can immerse you in a wondrous world limited only by the imagination of the author (and your ability to suspend disbelief). But it’s also a genre that is notoriously difficult to believably translate into films and television. But thanks to box office hits like Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, and cable series Game of Thrones, Spartacus and True Blood, networks are dipping their toes the fantasy genre – and finding success.

The fairytale characters inhabiting Storybrooke, Maine
have forgotten their true identities.

The most surprising of these is ABC’s Once Upon A Time. It’s hard to imagine network executives green-lighting an idea after hearing the pitch, “Snow White, Red Riding Hood, Prince Charming and a whole slew of fairytale characters are transported to a little town in Maine where only the Evil Queen and Rumpelstilskin know their true identities.” The show cleverly exposes the parallel worlds of the “real” storybook land (where magic is common and true love conquers all) and our world (where love is messy and the bad guy is usually a politician). The key to solving the series’ main mystery is a little boy, Henry, who knows the truth and is desperately trying to get the town’s new sheriff to believe him. Of course, Henry is the boy that the sheriff gave up for adoption years ago (he’s now the adopted son of the Mayor/Evil Queen) and the sheriff is really the daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming who was sent to this world in an attempt to escape that curse that doomed them all. As you can guess, the show is really a nighttime soap dressed in a fairytale costume. And as cloying and silly as it sounds, somehow, it works.

Detective Nick Burkhard and his partner, Hank Griffin investigate
supernatural crimes and mysteries in Portland, Oregon.

As fun as Once Upon A Time is, NBC’s Grimm is even better. Grimm is part cop show, part X Files (before it got lame) and part horror story. In this reimagining of Grimm’s Fairytales, Detective Nick Burkhardt is the latest in a long line of Grimms – this world’s monster hunters. Orphaned at an early age, and a upstanding cop, Nick was told of his true heritage by his aunt just before she died. She also left him a trailer full of books and some kick-ass medieval weapons. Like all good cop shows, on Grimm, not every “monster” is bad and not every “good guy” is really good. This is a lesson that both Nick and the community of monsters are learning.

Each episode is a stand-alone “monster of the week” mystery with a season-long arc about the forces trying to wipe out the Grimm. To help in his quest, Nick has two crime-fighting partners. One is his police partner Hank, who has no idea that some of the criminals they’re searching for are really witches, dragons or demons in human form (only Grimms and other creatures can see their true shapes). His other partner is Monro,e a Blutbad (werewolf) who reluctantly (at first) gives Nick the inside track into the otherworldly underworld. The show is in turns exciting, funny and, frequently, genuinely scary.

This first season of both Once Upon A Time and Grimm are quickly coming to a close, but you can catch up online, on iTunes or via On-Demand.

Once Upon A Time: Saturdays, 8/7c on ABC

Grimm: Fridays, 9/8c on NBC

TV Tour: New York City

It should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me that I view every new experience through the lens of television. Recognizing locations from favorite TV shows and movies is always foremost on my mind in any new city. So on my first trip to New York City, I wasn't really visiting "The Big Apple," I was visiting the sets for Ugly Betty, How I Met Your Mother, Flight of the Conchords, Sex and the City, 30 Rock, Saturday Night Live, Mad Men, the list goes on and on...

For instance, my hotel room had a spectacular view of "that building from King Kong." I hear it's actually called The Empire State Building, but that didn't stop me from peering at the top and picturing a 40-foot tall ape there.

Stopping at Rockefeller Center had me scanning the crowds for a glimpse of Tina Fey. My walk through Central Park brought to mind scenes from The Clock, Six Degrees of Separation and Green Card. And when I saw the statue of a sled dog there, I knew at once that it was Balto from the 1995 animated film.

Of course, no trip to NYC would be complete without stopping at at FAO Schwarts to see the oversized piano from the movie, Big (it does not disappoint) and the New York Public Library from Ghost Busters. And while Time Square was the electric, energetic and bustling location you'd expect, I got excited because I knew that not long ago, Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin were here ringing in the New Year.

The one exception was Grand Central Station. Sure it was featured in Madagascar, Superman: The Movie,  Men in Black and I Am Legend. But the first thing I thought when I saw it? Oh my God, it looks just like the model from Legoland!

Next time, I need to visit that store from Breakfast at Tiffany's and that museum from Night at the Museum.

Tabatha Takes Over (My Life)

I admit it. I'm totally obsessed with Tabatha Coffey – that bossy, brassy and bitchy star of Bravo TV's Tabatha Takes Over. I never miss a new episode. And when there's a marathon on, well, the rest of the world will just have to wait.

Now in its fourth season, the reality show (formerly called Tabatha's Salon Takeover) has expanded its format, so now Tabatha not only helps troubled hair salons, she's using the harsh truth and her no-BS attitude to help bars, cafés and doggie daycares too.

In each episode, Tabatha "takes over" a struggling business for one week where she assesses the management, staff and environment before making her recommendations to reverse the business's decline. This often means helping the owners re-discover their passion for their business, weeding out bad employees and giving the business a design makeover. Her direct style and sharp tongue often make her advice a bitter pill to swallow, but the owners that listen invariably end up with a stronger, happier and more profitable business.

What I love about Tabatha (a breakout star from the first season of Bravo's Sheer Genius) is her stone-cold honesty when discussing the issues that are leading to a business's decline. She never holds back. And as far as I can see, she's never wrong. She gets called a bitch on her own show a lot. Does she care? Not a lick. Because she knows the truth sometimes hurts, but somebody's got to have the nerve to say it. The smart people see that she really is trying to build them up and make them stronger, so most folks learn to appreciate her style in short order. But business owners that fail to take her advice (and there are some) do so at their own peril. Those stories usually end with employees walk outs, fewer customers or even closed businesses.

After she's made her final recommendations, Tabatha hands the keys back and heads off to her next adventure. But lest the the owner and the employees fall back into their old ways, Tabatha returns after six weeks to make sure they're still walking the walk. It's nice to see that almost all are happier and more profitable than ever.

Now, if only we could get her to take over a few city councils or even congress. Then we'd really see some action.

New episodes of Tabatha Takes Over air on Bravo TV, Tuesdays at 10/9c.

Pay Cable Series - For Adults Only

When I was young, we had five TV channels to choose from. There were the "big three" (ABC, NBC and CBS), PBS and "Good Lookin' 11." Didn't like what was on? Too bad. Fortunately, I was born without the ability to distinguish between good TV and bad, so I always found something worth watching.

Then one day, KCPQ's signal finally reached Seattle and I thought, "Wow! Six stations! Now this is living!" Even with 6 wondrous channels, there were still limitations. If you woke up too early, you got to choose between the farm report or the Indian Head Test Pattern. Couldn't sleep? You had until maybe 1AM before the channel concluded its broadcast day. I still remember listening to the Star Spangled Banner as a grainy image of a flag fluttered on my screen. 

Now, (mumble-mumble) years later, I have about 400 channels including high definition, commercial-free music channels, movie and specialty channels. And despite the competition, the big three networks still command the lion's share of TV viewers. They are also adapting well to Internet viewers. It's not unusual for more than half of iTune's top weekly downloaded shows to be network series.

But cable has found a niche where the big networks just can't compete. Adult entertainment. Now, I don't mean "adult (wink-wink) entertainment," though there are channels for that too. I mean shows that try to fit in with pay cable's R-rated movie fare. Like the TV ratings folks will tell you, these programs contain mature themes, language and sexual situations. 

Pay cable series like HBO's Oz, Deadwood and Rome or Showtime's Dexter and Nurse Jackie don't just push the envelope, they stretch it until its the size of a sleeping bag. These shows promise enough off-color humor, gore, nudity, sex and course language to draw at least a few people away from the more family-friendly (by FCC regulation) networks.

Luckily for cable networks, they're not bound by FCC regulations, so can show whatever they want. Case in point: Starz new series, Spartacus: Blood and Sand. It is by far the bloodiest, goriest, clothing-optional, sex-filled series I've ever seen. The show's visual style looks like any number of green-screen heavy graphic novel inspired movies like Watchmen, 300 and Sin City. The color palette is decidedly desaturated - except for the fountains of bright red blood. There's plenty of sex and nudity too. Of course, they always attempt to work it into the story. Artistic of them, don't you think? 

Spartacus premiered with 659,000 viewers on Starz and another 570,000 for the simulcast on Encore. Together the two channels got a little over 1.2 million viewers. That's about a tenth of what a network show like LOST typically gets. But considering that I didn't even know Starz was still around, Spartacus is a definite win for them. So I'm not surprised that they renewed the series for a second season before it even premiered.

The lesson seems pretty clear. If you want your cable show to get viewers, you better check your modesty at the door. After all, take away the nudity, sex, swearing and violence and what do you get? A network show. And cable still can't compete there.

TV and Other Obsessions

I can think of worse obsessions than watching too much TV. And there is no shortage of series that expose, exploit and parade these obsessions for our entertainment.

Case in point. It's easy to feel superior to those unfortunate clutter collectors on shows like Style Network's Clean House. Sweet and sassy host Niecy Nash (Reno 991) and her crew help families see how objects and clutter have taken over their lives and created not just a mess, but an unhealthy atmosphere. After some friendly pressure from the team, the families invariably agree to give up their mess in exchange for a stylish makeover. It's always amazing to see the transformation in the rooms and the attitudes of the family. And while the show sometimes focusses on real emotional moments, this series is played for laughs and the magic of the reveal.

As an amateur pack rat myself, it's a real pleasure to watch a telegenic TV team clean someone else's house while I wipe Cheetos dust onto the sofa and cackle, "my God, what a bunch of slobs!" Of course, these are nice normal folks who just went a little too far. Besides, the way my garage looks, I can't really throw stones. And like eating Cheetos, these episodes are just too delicious to watch just one. The most I've ever watched in a row is five - but hey, I can quit any time I want.

A lot less fun than Clean House (but no less riveting) is Hoarders, the new series on A&E. The subjects of these mini-documentaries are seriously compulsive hoarders who are often close to being removed from their homes by Adult Protective Services. These are truly tragic cases. And the episodes don't end with glamorous makeovers or sometimes even an uncluttered house. A psychologist specializing in compulsive hoarding councils the families while a cleaning crew tries to clean up the mess. Family disfunction, anger and mental troubles are brought to the surface. At the same time, mold, insects and even lost dead pets are uncovered under mountains of clutter. The show devotes only two days to council and clean. Though continued counceling is provided after the crew leaves, we're left with little doubt that the situation won't return to its previous state.

There's no question that we find these shows entertaining. But are they exploitative? Probably. Is it really making a difference? I doubt it. But it's hard to deny that they at least temporarily help these people come to grips with the severity of their situations. And in sometimes, help them avoid being removed by Adult Protective Services. Whether that's really doing them a favor or not will remain to be seen.

So long as Niecy doesn't show up at my house and try to take away my TV, we'll be fine.

How Glee Changed TV's Tune

Compared to the last few years, this television season has been fairly lackluster. Can't really say I'm surprised. With revenues down, most broadcast networks aren't really willing to take big gambles with their programming. Instead we get more CSI on CBS, more sitcoms on ABC and more Jay Leno on NBC.

This kind of "inside the box thinking" has lead to very few watercooler-worthy shows. Sure everyone's talking about how Leno is taking down NBC (the network's weeknight 10PM slot is down 30%), but I don't think that's the kind of buzz they were looking for. So it begs the question, where's this year's LOST, Amazing Race or Big Bang Theory?

Surprisingly, its on FOX in the unlikely form of the high school musical called Glee. Speaking of High School Musical, I just bet Disney-owned ABC is wondering why they didn't move their hit franchise into a network series first (I know I am).

There's really nothing new about the concept of Glee. High school jock and brainy girl make beautiful music together. It's been a motion picture staple since Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney first said, "Let's put on a show!" It continued through the 60s with Frankie and Annette's beach party movies and came back in full force with the High School Musical trilogy. But those were movies. For some reason musicals have never worked in series television (Viva Laughlin being the most recent example). That is, until now.

Glee is not only pulling in a solid 8 million viewers a week, they've also sold 1.7 million downloads on iTunes since the series started (and we're only on episode seven)! Even better for FOX, the viewers are those young viewers the Internet told us had stopped watching TV. So, how did they manage to pull this off? Good talent, good timing and no shortage of good luck.

For starters, they centered the show around the Glee club. For some reason modern audiences have a hard time with people singing about their feelings unless its part of (or near) a show. For instance, as long as Chicago or Moulin Rouge's action was set in a theater, people are okay with people singing offstage. Unlike, say, Cop Rock.

Secondly, they borrow from a catalogue of hit songs. From Heart to Journey to Beyonce, the music is fast, infectious and fun. I'll admit, I've got a few on my iPod.

And speaking of fun, they made the show primarily a comedy. Glee is the show people feel good watching because it makes them feel good. And let's face it, there aren't many shows these days that pull that off.

And lastly, they give us characters we can root for. Like a page out of American idol, Glee has a cast of talented outcasts, wackos and heartthrobs that we can identify with and want to see succeed.

Now I'll admit, I predicted months ago that a show this fun, entertaining and whimsical was destined to be canceled by FOX after just a few episodes. But they've already ordered 22 more. I know, no one is more surprised than me! I looks like maybe Glee has finally found the right formula to keep a musical on the air.

Now all we can do is wait to see if the inevitable knock-offs will have learned the same lesson (I'm not holding my breath).

TV's Most Singable Jingles

Does this face look familiar? Did you suddenly start to hear music and the words, "my bologna has a first name..." running through your head? Well, I bet you hear it now.

It doesn't take a doctor to understand the effects that music has on memory and the human brain. We've all experienced it firsthand - sometimes to the level of annoyance - when those entertaining jingles just won't stop playing over and over in your head.

Still, advances in brain scans have shown researchers precisely how this works. A recent study showed the medial pre-frontal cortex as a music-processing region which can activate associated mental images. So that, when you hear music, your brain starts to play the images it associates with the tune.

No wonder advertisers are so fond of music. Music and lyrics can make a commercial, product or brand not only memorable, but something sharable. We delight in sharing a common memory and the nostalgic feelings they invoke. Want to prove it? Just start singing that bologna song, and see how long it takes for others to join in. For many Americans, jingles are the hymns of our society.

Today, national advertisers are more likely to license a popular song that viewers are already familiar with. But it's a testament to the power and pleasure of a well written and executed jingle, that many classics are still used 30 and 40 years after they first aired.

Here, in no particular order, are some my favorite jingles in commercial history. If you can't remember them, just click the link to watch the YouTube video. But be warned, these jingles have a way of sticking in your head. And I have to admit, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'd Like to Teach the World To Sing

Who can forget Coca Cola's anthem to togetherness? More than a touchy-feely ditty, this song expressed the strategic concept of Coke as a drink we share with those we love and with the peoples of the entire world. Heavy.

It's Slinky

Who didn't want this toy after hearing this song? Talk about powerful, this song got millions of children to ask their parents to buy them a spring. A spring! Once down the stairs and it became a tangled mess. Truth is, that song is more entertaining than the toy.

My Bologna Has A First Name

Now, most of us don't write the word bologna very often, but darn few of us would even have a chance of spelling it correctly without this jingle. Between this and the Oscar Meyer wiener song, they had all of America sining about ground up animal bits.

I'm A Pepper

This song celebrates the individuality of the drinker. In a world battle scarred by the cola wars, the idea of drinking (and being) something different was really worth singing about.

Two All Beef Patties...

Though this sandwich premiered in McDonald's menus in 1968, it wasn't until 1975 that every man, woman and child could sing its list of ingredients. Ah, you're singing it now, aren't you? Aren't you!

Starburst Fruit Chew

Now this jingle's not as famous as many of the others on this list, but it's a favorite jingle (and candy) at Jones Advertising, and we enjoy both regularly.

The Unsinkable Taste of Cheerios

I love this jingle not just for it's singability, but for the clever way the marketing team took a inconsequential thing about the product (it doesn't sink!) and turned it into a way to describe the flavor and health benefits.

Doublemint Gum

What can you say about spearmint gum? Not much. But pretend it has double the flavor (compared to...?), add some attractive twins and you've got a campaign that makes a product really stand out. After all, can you name another spearmint gum?

The Big Fig Newton

This jingle not only had all of America singing along, we all got up to dance with it too. If they'd played this right, Big Fig could have had his own show like the California Raisins. Eh, maybe we're better off. Still, I have to admit I have a sudden craving for a Fig Newton.

I know there's lots of other great TV commercial jingles out there. From Mentos (Do-do-do-do Do-WAH!), to "Let Noxima Cream Your Face," I bet each of you has a favorite. Share yours with me and the other readers in the comments section below.

Have a Nice Fall! TV Preview

Now that summer is on the wane and the days are getting shorter, there's only one thing that can keep my spirits from sinking away with the sun. Yes, the Fall TV season. I still miss the days when Fall was "the" TV season and the big three (okay, only three) networks would roll out their sneak peak preview nights (for primetime and Saturday morning cartoons).

This September boasts a whopping 109 primetime premiers. So kiddies, that means its time to buckle down and learn how to program that DVR. Of course, not even a professional watcher like me can keep up with that many shows (I'm still expected to show up at work sometimes), so I've narrowed down the list to a more manageable sixteen.

September 1: Surviving Disaster (Spike)

Want to know the best way to survive a shark attack, plane crash or hostage crisis (other than never leaving your home)? A former Navy SEAL promises to take us through elaborate survival methods step-by-step to increase our chances. Of course, if he's so smart, why won't he tell us how to survive an economic meltdown?

September 9: Glee (FOX)

This show premiered all the way back in May and everyone was quick to pronounce this High School Musical derivative (macho jock and nerdy girl just have express themselves through song) an instant hit. The premier episode was very enjoyable indeed, but I have my doubts that the show will find an audience. It would have improved its chances if FOX had paired the show with American Idol, but then again, it might do very well with...

September 9: So You Think You Can Dance (FOX)

Back for its sixth season, this show takes young dancers from all over the country and really tests their adaptability and artistry. I most enjoy seeing which dancers will perform best outside of their speciality genres. And anyway, there's no way I'm going to subject myself to watching Tom Delay strut his stuff on Dancing with the Stars. My eyes! My eyes!

September 9: America's Next Top Model (CW)

There's a reason this show is the CW's best rated. When you take a houseful of starving models and force them to compete for a lucrative contract (or a sandwich), there's going to be drama. And if it seems as if this show is on 24/7, that's because it is. They're already on their 13th cycle even though they've only been on the air since 2003.

September 10: Vampire Diaries (CW)

Based on the popular series of books by L. J. Smith, Vampire Diaries is part supernatural thriller and part teenage nighttime soap (think Dawson's Creek with fangs). At the center of the story are two vampire brothers, one good and one evil. And naturally they're both fighting for the fair Elena's soul (and knickers). It looks like a well crafted and interesting show, but we'll see if this show (along with True Blood and Twilight) push us to our vampire saturation point.

September 12: Robin Hood (BBC America)

Let me start by saying, BBC America is quickly becoming my favorite network. The shows are smart, original and everyone has accents! Now I haven't seen the first season of this show, but after seeing the previews for season two I've added it to my Blockbuster list. As dark, gritty and dramatic as they come, this version of Robin Hood is equal parts political intrigue and swashbuckling adventure. And finally seeing someone give government corruption a sound thrashing is a pleasure indeed.

September 14: The Jay Leno Show (NBC)

Truth be told, I'm not a big Leno fan. He's pleasant enough, but not worth staying up past my bedtime for. But I am fascinated by NBC's grand experiment (some say folly). They've canceled all of their 10 P.M. weeknight dramas and will be showing only Jay instead. Cheaper to produce than your typical hour-long drama, the show if successful, may cannibalize the audience of their late night talk shows. And if a flop, leave them with a five-night hole to fill. I may not watch the show much, but you can bet I (and the other networks) will be paying close attention.

September 15: The Biggest Loser (NBC)

This is one of those shows that I find both inspirational and mortifying to watch. I feel great watching these people work so hard to regain the health and self esteem they've lost. I also feel bad that it has to be a competition where the weakest ones get cut from the team (takes me right back to 4th grade gym class). Maybe I wouldn't feel so bad if I didn't eat a bowl of ice cream while I watched. Maybe, but we'll never know.

September 17: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX)

If you haven't caught this show, you've missed four seasons of a rude, crude, black comedy (if you like that sort of thing - and I do). Basically it's about a group of lazy losers and the other lazy losers that put up with them. The good news is, if you pull a few all nighters, you can catch up on past episodes here.

September 17: The Office (NBC)

I never miss The Office. From Pam and Jim's sweet office romance, to Michael's cringe-inducing social blunders, every episode is comedy gold. It's not a ratings powerhouse, but the show has won Emmys, Screen Actor's Guild, Golden Globe and Webby Awards. It's even been honored by the Peabody Awards. Now starting their sixth season, this is one of those rare shows where the quality of the writing and performances has stayed strong and steady over its entire run. So, you'll know where I'll be Thursday nights. Is that sad?

September 21: Big Bang Theory (CBS)

One of the few shows that could drag me over to CBS, The Big Bang theory has crackerjack writing and painfully hilarious performances. If you're a geek at heart or just love geeky humor, you'll be in good company with these nerdy characters. Besides, it's a great show to watch while you're working on your model of the Enterprise (not that I do that sort of thing...).

September 23: New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS)

Julia Louis-Dreyfus' sitcom has just gotten better with age. As her Old Christine character gets more manic and outrageous, the show gets funnier. She's been compared to Lucille Ball and that's not a bad comparison to make. A strong supporting cast lead by the arid wit of Wanda Sykes makes this my other CBS favorite. I keep wishing they'd build a strong night of comedy around this show (start by keeping it with Big Bang and How I Met Your Mother), but do they listen? Nooooo.

September 23: Cougartown (ABC)

Courtney Cox returns to network television with this stupidly named, but promising sitcom about a 40-something mother returning to the singles game. The preview I watched made it look pretty fun and it's nice to see a show starring a woman over 25, but I think the title alone is going to get people rolling their eyes. Well, I'm going to give it a chance. You can check out the preview here and let me know if you think this cougar will stay or just get spayed.

September 27: FOX's Sunday Night Animation Domination

FOX welcomes its new Family Guy spinoff, The Cleveland Show to its Sunday night animation lineup. Since Cleveland is one of Family Guy's drier and more underused characters, I'm curious to see where this is going to go. It joins The Family Guy in its eighth season and The Simpsons in its 21st (yikes I'm old) season. Ready for a blast from the past? Check out the very first Simpsons shorts from the 1989 Tracey Ullman Show where they got their start.

Did I miss any new shows that you want to recommend to me and my other readers? Leave a comment and let us know.

Summer TV Heats Up

With 54 new and returning shows premiering in August, there's bound to be something to keep you entertained on those nights when it's just to hot to sleep. This is especially true if you're a fan of reality series. A few new shows sound particularly hopeful, while returning favorites are a welcome respite after the summer's entertainment dry spell.

Below are the ten shows I'm most looking forward to checking out, but if you want to see a list and description of all 54 shows, I've included a link at the end of the article.

August 4th: Addicted to Beauty (Oxygen)

This show looks as shallow, vapid and repulsive as its cast of Medi-Spa employees with their botox-laden foreheads, trout-pout lips and ability to create drama from the utterly mundane. In short, it's destined to be the kind of hideous train wreck of self absorption that you can't stand to watch but can't bear to turn away from.

August 6th: Police Women of Broward County (TLC)

This 10-part docudrama series follows a group of four florida police women as they face gang busts, car chases and undercover sting operations, but the drama doesn't stop at the end of the shift. After years of watching strong women law enforcement officers on Cops, this show may not shine a new light on womankind, but it's got to be an improvement on The Real Housewives of dot-dot-dot.

August 7th: Monk (USA)

Now in its 8th and final season, this show is formulaic with a capital "f." But that hardly matters when you have a show this consistently entertaining due to the charming performance by Tony Shalhoub. That's why he's been nominated for an Emmy Award seven years in a row. Besides, I'm old enough now that I can admit that I like a nice little murder mystery. Monk is my generation's Matlock.

August 9th: Comedy Central Roast: Joan Rivers (Comedy Central)

Not for those with tender ears, these Comedy Central Roasts are bleep-riddled cavalcades of smut and depravity. And they are not to be missed. This year, Queen of the D-List, Kathy Griffin is roast master general for comedy legend and plastic surgery pioneer Joan Rivers.

August 9th: America's Best Dance Crew (MTV)

If you've watched America's Got Talent only to be convinced "no, it does not," you really need to watch America's Best Dance Crew. Now in its 4th season, this show boasts the most amazing live performances by young urban dance groups you'll ever see. Their acrobatic flips, turns and faultless timing will have you gasping and cheering. Even better, it'll make you believe that yes, America does so have talent (just on a different show).

August 16: Mad Men (AMC)

Now, I've never really gotten into this show myself, but I know enough people that sing its praises that I can safely recommend it. Oh, and it did snag another 16 Emmy nominations this year. Including Outstanding Drama, Outstanding Lead Actor and Outstanding Lead Actress. So, its pretty safe to say that if I ever gave this show a real chance I'd probably decide that it's... outstanding.

August 17: Flipping Out (Bravo)

The star of this reality series isn't just tortured by his obsessive-compulsive behavior. He make sure everyone around him is tortured by it. And while its sometimes painful to watch this professional house flipper flip out over the littlest thing (like how much ice is in his soda), I can't deny that the homes he remodels are works of art. And I am curious to see what he's going to do now that the housing market is kaput.

August 20: Project Runway (Lifetime)

This is the premier I've been waiting all year for! The 6th season of this show was tied up in courts for over a year while Bravo and Lifetime fought for the rights to air the new season (Lifetime won and Bravo retaliated with the lukewarm rehash Fashion Show). This year they've moved the Project Runway from New York to Los Angeles which should bring a different flavor to the challenges and the fashions. The question is, with a location change, network change and after sitting on the shelf for over a year, will there still be an audience? I'll let you know.

August 23rd: What Would Brian Boitano Make? (Food Network)

Olympic gold medal figure skater (and South Park punch line) Brian Boitano is a surprisingly fun and easygoing cooking show host. He plans meals and parties for family and friends and gets tips and lessons from moms, chefs and even the Internet. This show puts Brian's showmanship to good use and the Internet sneak peeks illustrate that even a serious meal should include a hearty helping of fun.

August 26: Top Chef (Bravo)

So this season we have two chefs from my own hometown of Seattle competing against chefs from L.A., New York, Atlanta, Philadelphia and even France. This show is the most serious and challenging of the cooking competition shows, but this year I'll really be watching to see how my home girls do.

So not a bad bunch of shows to premier a month before the "real" season begins in Fall. Let me know if any of these shows strike your fancy (or just chill you to the bone). If there's a show you think I should check out, be sure to let me know in the comments section. And be sure to check back for my picks of the upcoming Fall TV Season soon.

Complete List of August Premiers