TV's Guiltiest Pleasures

There's plenty of mind-rotting, cringe-inducing trash on TV. Outwardly, we deride and scorn it. But like everything that's truly bad for us, we can't get enough of it. Sure we hate ourselves a little more after each viewing, but what's a little guilt compared to hours of diversion and escape? Since I'm too far gone to feel guilt over television, I asked a few friends what their favorite guilty pleasures were. What did I learn? That my friends are just shameless and depraved as I am.

#3 The Real Housewives of New York

What's wrong with this show? Let’s start with the title. First, the word real. These women are about as “real” as can be manufactured out of silicon, botox, hair-extensions, lip-plumper and spray-on tans. Some day, science may develop a more lifelike model, but until then, these are fairly reasonable facsimiles. Now, housewives. You know, cooking, cleaning raising the children. It’s pretty clear these “housewives” would never do any of these lowly chores for fear of chipping an acrylic nail. After all, that’s what menials are for, right? I will admit that they are wives and they do live in (very, very large) houses, but the resemblance ends there. Finally, New York. Okay, I’ll give ‘em that one.

So, what's so great about this show? I think we love it because it makes us feel equal parts envy and revulsion. The same bipolar rollercoaster we felt watching the bitchy, pretty clique from high school. Sure we detested that group of vapid, soulless, Barbies and Kens. We also desperately wanted to be in that group. Now, not only do we get to travel in their inner circle, we still get to make fun of it. 

#2 COPS

Recognize this? Bad boys, bad boys. What cha gonna do? What cha gonna do when they come for you? Of course you do. We all do. COPS has been on for an amazing 20 years and has graced us with over 750 episodes. If it's been on this long, it must be good, right? Sure, there’s action, mystery, suspense, heroic men in blue and often, very real danger. What’s not to love?

Okay, but why do we REALLY love it? I think it's because we can’t help but feel elated as we watch some drunken, shirtless hick kissing asphault and trying to explain his way out of an arrest. We all knew that jackass and take real pleasure from seeing him finally get hauled away. Knew him? Hell, some of us dated him. Is it really wrong to take so much pleasure from such blatant schadenfreude? If it is, I don't want to be right.

#1 Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew

What makes this show my top pick for Guilty Pleasure? Easy. If you feel pleasure watching this show, you SHOULD feel guilty. This show takes celebrities in the throws of drug and alcohol addition and parades their most private and painful moments for our "education." Just how educational is it? Well, considering it's broadcast on VH1 along side such thought-provoking fare as Rock of Love, Breaking Bonaduce and Hogan Knows Best, you should get college credits just for tuning in.

In season one, celebrities like Brigitte Nielsen, Daniel Baldwin and Jeff Conaway experienced stomach-churning withdrawls, battled their inner-demons and honestly struggled for sobriety. Did appearing on the show help them? Well, out of 9 celebrities, one left after four episodes, six relapsed and one (Jeff Conaway) came back even worse for season two. This has got to be television at its ugliest. So why can't we stop watching? 

We want to believe that these people are sincere in their desire to get better. And they do show the very real dangers of drug and alcohol abuse. We know there are a hundred other places that these people should go for help before a TV show. And we can't deny that most of them are not going to make it. So when one of them makes a breakthrough or even a small victory you really feel their joy - and for at least a while - some hope. And maybe that's where the pleasure of watching really comes from. Learning that as long as we're willing to keep trying, there is always hope.

But what will we learn from next season's Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew? I shudder to think.

The Emmy Awards: It's an Honor Just To Be Nominated.

I can tell you from experience, it really is an honor to be nominated for an Emmy Award (it sure beats the hell out of not being nominated), but it doesn't hold a candle to actually winning. Jones Advertising has had that honor too (and we're currently nominated for 6 more). But before you say, "well, they must just give them to anyone." I must respond, "au contraire, mon frère."

Perhaps most famously, Angela Lansbury has been nominated an amazing 18 times and has yet to bring an Emmy home (that's the same number of nominations Susan Lucci had before her famous win, so there's still hope, Angela).

As Malcolm in the Middle's harried mom, Jane Kaczmarek was nominated 7 times in a row and went home empty-handed each year. Well, they always said motherhood is a thankless job.

Sienfeld's Jason Alexander was nominated 8 times with no wins (he did win 3 Screen Actor's Guild Awards in a row, so maybe that soothed the pain).

Even Happy Day's Marion Ross was turned away from the Emmy-winner's circle 5 times. What kind of monster could say no to "Mrs. C." five times? Perhaps Chuck (Richie's seldom seen big brother) finally got his revenge for being written off the show. 

Of course, their disappointment must be small compared to the television icons who never even received a nomination. 

Creator, producer, writer and star of the longest running live action sit-com ever, Ozzie Nelson never received a single Emmy nomination in 14 years.

Desi Arnaz was the only I Love Lucy star not to get nominated for an Emmy. Lucille Ball, Vivian Vance and William Frawley each received at least 4 nominations. Somebody's got some s'plainin' to do.

Michael Landon, Heather Locklear, Barbara Eden, Buddy Ebsen and Penny Marshall are all members of the golden goose-egg club. Well, there's always the TV Land Awards. Ugh.

Now I'm not trying to say that our regional Emmy Awards hold the same cache as the "big time" Emmys. And truth be told, if they hadn't added an Advertising category we might never had gotten that golden lady to stand so regally on our shelves. But the did and we did, so there.

As for this year's awards? We won't find out until May 30th. Until then (all together now), it's an honor just to be nominated.

To check out Jones Advertising's Emmy-nominated spots, follow the links below.

Break Room: Rescue Pest Control (Single Spot)

Not A Game: DSHS (PSA Campaign)

Daily Access: MSN/Diet Coke (Nominated in 2 new media categories)

Stay Sharp on Internet Safety: Microsoft (Nominated in 2 new media categories)

Top Ten TV Tunes

Let's play a quick game of name that tune. I'll tell you a few lyrics, and you pick out the show. 1) Give us any chance we'll take it, read us any rule we'll break it, we're gonna make our dreams come true. 2) Where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came. 3) So no one told you life was gonna be this way. Your jobs a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A. 

I'll bet you didn't have any problem picking out the theme songs from Laverne & Shirley, Cheers and Friends. Not surprising when most people can't recite a single poem, but can sing the theme song from The Flintstones word-for-word. Why is that? That's the magical memory enhancing power of music.

It's not really magic, of course. Study after study has shown that music stimulates parts of the brain that aid in storage and recall of information. No wonder we can't seem to get those theme songs out of our heads. My top ten list contains some of the catchiest tunes and lyrics in TV history. 

• The Beverly Hillbillies: "Swimmin' pools, movie stars." Nuff said.

• Bonanza: Technically no lyrics, but we all sing, "Bum bada bum bada bum bada bum ba-dah-bum.

• The Brady Bunch: Admit it, no one can resist "the youngest one in curls."

• Cheers: We all long for that place where everybody knows your name. We finally got it.

• Gilligan's Island: All it takes is, "Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale," and we get swept away. 

The Flintsones: The best part of the song? Yelling "Wilma!" at the end of the closing credits.

Green Acres: "The chores! The stores! Fresh air! Time Square!" A darling duet of opposites attracting.

The Jeffersons: Who didn't want to go "movin' on up" with George and Weezie?

The Jetsons: A major part of this theme is actually "chopsticks." No wonder we eat it up.

Speed Racer: He's not just a demon on wheels. His theme song is also my ring tone.

Of course music plays a bigger role than introducing a TV show. Music has also been shown to reduce stress, and influence emotion and behavior. Which explains why music has been so integral to the most memorable advertising campaigns. Who'll every forget "my balogna has a first name, it's o-s-c-a-r"? Or, "I'd like to buy the world a coke..." You can probably even guess the tune to "meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow..." 

I'm always excited when the opportunity comes up to write a jingle for a client. It's a great way to provide a lot of information in a fun and entertaining way. And it's nice to create spots that people actually enjoy listening to. Some of my favorites include this jazzy number for Mattress Gallery, this folksy warning to speeding drivers and this springy little number for the Spring Fair.

So, now you've got my pics for TVs Top Ten Tunes. Click on the comments section below and let me know which ones you can't help but sing along to. 

R.I.P. TV? Not so fast!

Did video really kill the radio star? Maybe, but television still hasn't wrought the end of the film industry as it was prophesied to do (any more than the film industry ended live theater). And the Internet's reports of television's death have been greatly exaggerated.

While it's true that Internet video viewership is up, traditional TV still soundly trounces it. As reported in the magazine of Online Media and Marketing & Advertising, the average time spent watching video on the Internet is 5-minutes a day. Compare that to the average 4.75 hours a day watching traditional television. Not bad for a "dead" medium.

So while the web and web video are growing in popularity, it still hasn't come close to turning television into the dinosaur they're claiming it to be. As a matter of fact, Nielson reported just last month that American TV viewership is at an-all time high. What about those 18-24 year olds that were supposed to have abandoned television for xbox, FaceBook and online porn? Well, they're watching approximately 118 hours of television a month while those 25 and holder are watching anywhere from 147 to 207 hours watching TV. Not too shabby.

Nielsen's report confirms what I've felt for a while now; that Internet video is probably not displacing traditional television any time soon. Not only do we have room in our lives for radio, TV, live theater, movies, the Internet and mobile technology - by God, we demand them all!

Speaking of changing technology, let's take a moment to talk about digital video recorders and commercials. Do you think that DVRs improve viewer's enjoyment of the programs their watching? Well think again. The New York Times recently reported on two separate studies that show that viewers actually rate programs as more enjoyable - yes enjoyable - when viewed with commercial interruption. 

So, broadcast television is holding strong against Internet video, commercials improve the enjoyment of television, and I just happen to make commercials. I guess all I can say is, you're welcome.